Better If He Goes (Always You Book 1) Read online

  "What's wrong?" she asks, bobbing her straw up and down in her soda.

  "Nothing. Why?"

  "You keep staring at me. Is there something on my face?" She touches her chin, then around her mouth. I love her mouth. Her full lips. I've dreamed about kissing those lips more than I should, but I can't help what I dream. I think about Riley all day long, so it makes sense she'd show up in my dreams.

  "Your face is fine. There's nothing on it."

  "Then why do you keep staring at me?"

  "Because I haven't seen you forever."

  "You saw me three months ago. I haven't changed in three months."

  "Yeah, you have. You stopped wearing all that makeup, and your hair is different."

  "The makeup was taking too long to put on. I figured I don't need to look all made up just to sweep hair and wash towels all day."

  "You look better without it. And I really like your hair that way."

  "Thanks. I still straighten it if I go out, but for work I've been leaving it natural."

  "I like it. You should wear it like that all the time."

  "Really?" She picks up some of her hair and looks at it. "I guess the curl isn't that bad. It's more of a wave than a curl. Kind of reminds me of that girl you used to date. What was her name? Jen? She was really cute, by the way. You should've kept dating her."

  Jen was cute, and really nice. She was on the swim team and had a great body. She was also pre-med, so really smart. I dated her junior year for three months, but the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about Riley, and not in a friend way. I kept thinking about kissing her when I was kissing Jen. It wasn't fair to Jen, so I had to break things off with her.

  The same thing happened with Isabelle, a girl I dated last fall. She looked really similar to Riley, which is probably what drew me to her the night I met her at a party. I wasn't thinking that then, but I realized it weeks later when I sent Riley a photo of her. Riley joked that Isabelle looked like her twin. I told her she was crazy, but it was true. And it confirmed what I'd known for years but wouldn't admit. That I'm in love with my best friend.

  By love, I don't mean the friend kind of love, although I do love Riley that way and tell her that all the time. She tells me too. We casually say we love each other but in a friend way, like a quick "love you" when saying goodbye. Or when she's sad or upset about something, I'll pull her against my side and say "love you" but it comes out more like a brother would say it. That's how she takes it and how I've always intended for it to sound because I wouldn't let myself accept how I really felt about her.

  But now I know for sure how I feel, and I need to tell her. In a few months, I'll be leaving for a job and I want Riley to come with me. I want her to move in with me and for us to be a couple. I'm not sure if she'll agree to it. Even though she wants to move out of this town, she worries about leaving her mom. Riley is more like the adult in the relationship and her mom is like a teenager, dating losers and being reckless with money. But if Riley knew how I felt about her, I think she'd be open to coming with me wherever I end up. Of course, this is assuming she loves me the same way I love her, which I think she does. I just need to be sure, which is why I'm not going to tell her my feelings just yet. I'm going to give it some time and see how she acts now that I'm back in town.

  "I don't know why you guys like this shit," Pat says, setting the bacon and pineapple pizza on the table between Riley and me. It has two kinds of bacon; Canadian and regular, and then we have them sprinkle the top with red onion, which cuts the sweetness of the pineapple. Everyone thinks it's disgusting, but Riley and I love this pizza. It's one of the many things that makes me think we belong together.

  "Best pizza ever made," Riley says, taking a slice.

  Pat sits next to her in the booth, resting his arms on the table and giving me a smile. "Welcome back, dude."

  "Thanks. Just got into town."

  Pat went to high school with Riley and me. He started working here when he was sixteen and never left. He's the assistant manager now.

  "So you're done with school?" he asks.

  "I am," I say, grabbing a slice of pizza. "I'm officially a college graduate."

  "Got a job yet?"

  "Haven't even started looking. I'm giving myself the summer to find one."

  "Working at the pool again?"

  "We both are." I smile at Riley. "It's tradition."

  "Not much longer," Riley says with a frown. "This'll be our last summer there."

  She sounds sad and I know it's not just because she'll miss our job at the pool, but because she'll miss me. And us.

  I wish I could tell her my plan for us right now, but it's too soon. I need more time before I tell her, mainly because I'm scared shitless to do it. The words are dying to come out, but I'm afraid to actually say them. What if I do and she rejects me? Tells me she doesn't feel the same way? What if telling her ruins our friendship?

  I can't lose our friendship. Riley's my closest friend. She means everything to me.

  "You going out with anyone?" Pat asks.

  I force my eyes off Riley and back to Pat. "You mean dating?"

  He laughs. "Yeah. What the hell did you think I meant?"

  "I'm not dating anyone." I bite into my pizza.

  "Good, because I want to set you up with Kristen," he says, leaning back in the booth. His arm bumps Riley's and she moves over.

  "Kristen?" she says. "Your cousin? Isn't she like 30?"

  "Twenty-eight," he says. "But she's a young 28. And Nate's an old 22, so they'd make a good match."

  "I'm not going out with Kristen," I tell him.

  "Why not? You're both single and you said she was hot."

  "When did I ever say she was hot?"

  Riley answers. "Tenth grade. She came to school to pick up Pat after band practice and you said she was hot."

  "That was forever ago. Why would you even remember that?"

  She shrugs. "It was the first time I saw you that excited about a girl. You went on and on about how hot she was."

  "I think you're remembering it wrong. I don't even remember what she looked like back then, so she obviously didn't make that much of an impression on me."

  Tenth grade was when I really started to like Riley as more than a friend, but I didn't want her to know. Maybe that's why I made such a big deal about Kristen. To throw Riley off and make her think I liked other girls when I really only wanted her.

  "C'mon, man, just go out with her," Pat says. "She just broke up with her boyfriend and she's been feeling really down."

  "You want me to be her rebound guy? No thanks."

  "How do you know she'd go out with him?" Riley asks. "Does she even remember him?"

  Pat smiles at me. "She definitely remembers him. She saw him last summer at the pool. She was going to ask him out, but didn't because she saw him with a girl and thought she was his girlfriend."

  "What girl?" I ask.

  "Riley," he says, glancing back at the hostess stand. "Where the hell is Sara? She better not be outside talking on her phone."

  "Why would Kristen think Nate and I are dating?" Riley asks.

  Pat turns back to her. "You two are inseparable. Everyone thinks you guys are dating. You even act like you are."

  "No we don't," she insists.

  "Yeah, right." He rolls his eyes.

  "What do you mean?" she asks. "What do we do?"

  "You hold hands. You're always hugging each other. Nate's always got his arm around you. And that look he's always giving you."

  My heart thunders in my chest, hoping he doesn't tell her. I'm sure he knows I love her, but I don't want him saying it. Because saying it will make her ask me if it's true and I'm not ready to have that conversation.

  "What look?" Riley asks.

  "There's people waiting to be seated," I say, nodding at the hostess stand.

  Pat looks back and sighs. "Where the hell is Sara?" He gets up. "I gotta go. Enjoy your disgusting pizza."

  Riley grabs
a slice. "It's really good today. Even better than last time we were here."

  "I think they used better bacon this time." I pick up my soda and take a drink. "So what should we do after this? Want to go see a movie?"

  "I don't really feel like a movie. Let's just go to your house and hang out."

  Riley loves going to my house. It isn't that great. Just a small one-story house with a basement. But it's a house, not a trailer, so to Riley it feels huge and like a real home. Plus, she loves my mom, who's the complete opposite of Riley's mom. My mom is divorced but never dates, and she dresses in clothes that hide her body, not show it off. She's an accountant at a small firm in town and spends her free time quilting or reading. She also loves to cook, which is another reason Riley likes coming over. There's never any food at the trailer, or if there is, Charlene's boyfriends eat it all.

  "Do you think it's true?" Riley asks, wiping her hands on her napkin.

  "Is what true?"

  "Do you think we act like a couple? Like we're dating?"

  "No, not at all," I say, but the truth is, we definitely act like a couple. "We've just been friends for so long we're comfortable holding hands or hugging each other. That doesn't make us a couple."

  "That's what I think too. People just aren't used to seeing a guy and girl be such close friends without it becoming more than that. My mom thinks it's impossible. She says there's no way a guy can be friends with a girl without wanting more. She's convinced we're doing stuff, even though I keep telling her we're not."

  "People will think what they want, no matter what we say."

  Riley leans back in the booth, bringing her knee up and resting her chin on it as she looks at me across the table. "Have you ever considered it?"

  "What?"

  "Us dating."

  There goes my heart again, kicking up its pace as I try to figure out how to answer. This isn't the time to talk about this. I'm not ready to say it, and I don't think she's ready to hear it. I just got back to town. We need more time.

  "Not really," I lie. "What about you?"

  She pauses, which makes me think she's about to tell me she HAS thought about it and it's what she wants. I smile as I realize we might actually want the same thing.

  "Riley?" I say, getting her attention.

  "Um, yeah, I've thought about it."

  "And?"

  She shrugs, putting her leg back under the table. "It was a long time ago. Back then I thought it'd ruin our friendship to even try, so I put it out of my head."

  I'm not sure what that means. She didn't rule it out, but she also didn't say she wanted it. We're older now so it's possible she'd be willing to at least try taking our relationship beyond a friendship, but then why doesn't she tell me that? Is she waiting for me to bring it up?

  Maybe that's it. Maybe she thinks I'm not interested. I basically just told her I wasn't by telling her I've never thought of us that way. Damn, why did I say that? I was trying to delay telling her how I feel, but instead I made it sound like I have no interest in dating her when in reality that's exactly I want.

  Why do I always screw this up? I swear I have the worst timing. I never do things when I should. Maybe I should just tell her now. But I can't. I'm not ready. I haven't even rehearsed what I'm going to say.

  My phone dings and I look down at it and see a text from Brad.

  Plans changed. Won't be there until Friday.

  I pick up my phone and text back. Everything okay?

  Just the usual family drama. See you Friday.

  "Who is it?" Riley asks as I set my phone down.

  "My cousin, Brad. He's coming here for the summer. He's going to be working at the pool with us."

  "Your cousin's spending the summer here?" Riley leans forward across the table. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "I just found out. He called a couple days ago and asked if he could stay with my mom and me for the summer. He's got major family drama going on at home and he doesn't want to be there."

  "Which cousin? Have I met him?"

  "No. He's never been here. He lives in Arizona. His mom is my mom's sister. We've been out there a lot to visit, but they never come here. They have a way better house than ours, and it's huge. Brad's family has money. Or they used to."

  "Used to? Meaning they don't anymore?"

  "I don't really know. All I know is that they don't have as much as they used to."

  "Why? What happened?"

  "I'll tell you, but when you meet Brad, act like you don't know. I don't think he wants people knowing."

  "Okay, so what is it?"

  "His dad has a gambling addiction. My aunt didn't know about it until creditors started calling her. My uncle hid it from her for years. Turns out he'd lost a ton of money and was going to casinos every day to try to make it back. He even quit his job. He was a lawyer. Made a shitload of money and quit to go gamble. My aunt was shocked. Still is. And Brad's pissed. He doesn't even want to be around his dad."

  "So that's why he's coming here? To get away from all that?"

  "Yeah. He said his parents won't stop fighting and he's sick of all the yelling and screaming. He has an older brother, but he's 27 and living in California so it's just Brad and his parents."

  "His mom's okay with him leaving?"

  "I think so, but it's not like it matters. He's 22. He can do what he wants."

  "Does he have a job?"

  "No. He just graduated from college like me. He's only been home a few days and his parents are already driving him crazy. He'll stay here for the summer, then go back to school in the fall."

  "You said he graduated."

  "He did, but he's going to med school. He's really smart."

  "So when does he get here?"

  "He was hoping to be here tomorrow, but he just texted and said it'll be Friday now. Something must've happened."

  "And he's working at the pool? Did he already interview?"

  "Yeah, by phone. They hired him on the spot. He's been a lifeguard almost every summer since high school so he already had experience and you know how they never have enough lifeguards. So anyway, you'll meet him Saturday at the staff orientation. Or hey, why don't we all go out on Friday? Are you doing anything?"

  "April mentioned maybe going to a movie. Let me check with her and see if we're still going."

  "She isn't going out with her boyfriend? She's still dating the old guy, right?"

  "Yeah. Wayne." Riley rolls her eyes, "I don't know why she dates him. He's so old. It's like she's dating her dad. He's having a guys' night Friday, so she's free and wants to go out."

  "Okay, well, let me know. I really want you to meet him. Brad's great. He's always been my favorite cousin."

  "Is he the one you used to spend summers with when you were a kid?"

  "Yeah. I'd go there for a month every summer. They had an even better house when I was a kid. And the biggest pool I'd ever seen, with a huge waterslide."

  "That was when your parents were having problems?"

  "Yeah," I say, thinking back. I'd rather not remember those years. We lived in Tulsa then, and my parents fought constantly. My older sister used to take me to the playground so we wouldn't have to listen to it. It was sad when they finally divorced but also a relief not having to hear them fight anymore. Now my dad's remarried and living in Houston. I see him now and then, but not as much as I'd like.

  "Sorry," Riley says, reaching across the table to touch my hand. "I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

  "It's fine. Ancient history." I smile to let her know I'm okay. "Ready to get out of here?"

  "Yeah, let's go." She scoots out of the booth.

  "My room's a mess, by the way. I haven't unpacked everything yet."

  "That's fine," she says, looping her arm around mine as we walk to the door. "I'm just happy you're home." She looks up at me and smiles.

  "I am too." I smile back, part of me wishing I'd told her the truth instead of keeping up this act of only wanting to be her friend. I ha
ve to tell her. Not today, or tonight, or even this week. But it has to be soon. I can't keep waiting. I love her and want a future with her. I just hope she wants that too.

  Chapter Three

  Riley

  We get to Nate's house and I go straight to the kitchen. I get two cans of soda, one for him, one for me, then grab a cookie from the jar. His mom always has homemade cookies in a ceramic jar that looks like a beehive.

  I sigh with a smile. "It's good to be back."

  Nate takes his soda and cracks open the can. "You could've come over when I was gone. I told you that like a million times. So did my mom."

  "That's just something people say. They don't really mean it. Your mom doesn't want me here without you around."

  "Are you kidding? She'd love it. She thinks of you like a daughter. She'd even let you stay here if you wanted. You could take Karmin's room."

  Karmin is his sister. She's 28, married, with a kid, and working as a nurse in New Mexico.

  Nate motions me to follow him. "C'mon."

  "I need another cookie," I say, going to get one.

  "Just bring the whole jar," he says with a smile. "My mom will make more."

  She totally would. She's the best mom ever. She's the kind of mom who makes dinner and bakes cookies and takes care of you when you're sick.

  My mom's more like a sister than a mom. She never really grew up. I was forced to raise myself while she went out every night, dressed like a teenager, and brought home random guys. I love her, but I wish she'd act her age. I get tired of always having to be the responsible one.

  "Told you it's a mess," Nate says, picking clothes off the floor and tossing them in the hamper.