Still Love You Read online

  "Yeah?"

  "I kind of miss it." She drops her legs and swings them back and forth again. "Is that strange?"

  "No. You grew up with the house the way it used to be and now that it's changed, it's like that part of your life is gone."

  "Yes! Exactly!" She turns to me. "As dumb as it sounds, I feel like a piece of my childhood is gone and now all I have are the memories." She lifts her leg up on the truck, bending her knee and resting her chin on it. "And now my mom is working a regular job. She won't even be home until six." She sighs. "Why do things have to change?"

  "Because people change. They grow and change and decide they want different things out of life."

  I feel like this conversation has suddenly become about us. And her.

  Willow's eyes lift to mine. "A person can want different things without changing."

  "But sometimes those different things end up changing the person. Remember when you changed schools and became a cheerleader? Didn't you feel like that changed you?"

  "I guess so. Do you think it did?"

  "Definitely. That's when your obsessive need to succeed took over and you did just about every extracurricular activity at school. I had to date you just to give you a break from all that."

  She tilts her head. "That's the only reason you dated me?"

  I lean down and kiss her on the lips. "I dated you because I love you. I always have, even when we were kids, and I didn't want anyone else to have the girl I love."

  Telling her that just now? That was an example of doing as her dad said and living in the moment. I laid it all out there. Told her how I felt. She already knows it, but I said it anyway because I only have a few short months with her and after that I may never see her again. Even if I'm still living here next summer, she could have someone else by then, and if she does, he won't want her hanging out with her ex. So I'm just going to be honest with her so she knows how I feel. I don't want to live my life with regrets, wishing I'd done or said something, especially when it comes to Willow.

  She bites her lip, her eyes watery. I didn't think what I said would make her so emotional. But the fact that it did is just another clue that she's not over us. That there's still a chance.

  "I need to get back to work." I jump down from the truck, then lift her up into my arms and hug her, letting her feet dangle down. "Thanks again for lunch." I set her down.

  "Silas, you got dirt all over me." She brushes it off the front of her shorts.

  I grin. "Then I guess you'll have to change into the naughty school girl outfit for tonight."

  She laughs. "Nobody said she was naughty."

  "I know this girl, and trust me, she can be very naughty." I swat her ass then walk away.

  At the end of the work day, as everyone's packing to leave, I go up to Carl. "Willow was asking me questions today about why Candace has a job and why you guys redecorated."

  "What did you tell her?"

  "Not much. I didn't know what to say. Why don't you just tell her?"

  "Because I'm still hoping I can save it. If we sell the house that'll free up a lot of cash."

  "Which you'll have to use for rent. And how are you going to explain to Willow why you're selling the house?"

  "We'll come up with something." He rubs his hand over his jaw.

  "If you don't tell her, she'll put the pieces together herself."

  He sighs heavily. "I'm sorry, Silas, but her mother and I just aren't ready to tell her about this. She just got home and we don't want to ruin her summer. We have enough money to keep the farm going a few more months."

  "And then what? What if you end up having to take her college money? Are you going to pull her out of school in the middle of the semester?"

  "Taking her college money is a last resort. We're not at that point yet and I'm hoping we never will be."

  "You have a lot of debt. If you can't make the payments, you'll have to take money from her account."

  He sets his hand on my shoulder. "Listen, Silas, I know you're concerned about Willow, but telling her this isn't going to make anything better. The best thing you can do right now is just be her friend."

  "I'm trying to."

  "Well, you must be doing something right because I haven't seen her smile this much since you two were dating. Are you seeing her tonight?"

  "Yeah, she's going to help me with accounting. I have a quiz this week."

  "I think it's great you're taking that class. You should be taking more instead of working here for free."

  "Don't start. We've been through this a million times. I'm helping you whether you like it or not."

  He nods. "Well, if you decide to get that business degree, maybe I'll end up working for you someday."

  "I don't think so. If anything, I'll be going to you for advice. You've learned more working here than I could ever learn in college."

  He frowns. "I'm afraid all I could teach you is how to run a business into the ground."

  "That's not true. This wasn't your fault. There were forces you couldn't control." I look at the fields, then back at Carl. "Did you give any thought about what you're going to plant in that open part of the field?"

  "Probably some pumpkins for the fall."

  "They take forever to grow and take up a lot of space. What about flowers instead?"

  He laughs. "You and your flowers. You sound just like Candace."

  "I'm not kidding. Flowers grow fast and you can charge a lot for them."

  "People can buy flowers anywhere."

  "Yes, but they like buying them at farmers' markets. I don't know why. They just do. You always see people walking around with flowers. Would you just let me try it?"

  He smiles. "Fine. Go ahead and plant your flowers. Take the seed catalog home and figure out what you want. I'll put the order in this week."

  "Thanks. I better get going. I need to get cleaned up. Maybe I can convince Willow to eat dinner with me again."

  "Given how much her face lit up when she saw you at lunch, I think it's safe to say she'd agree to that."

  I tell him goodbye, then take off, the seed catalog in hand. When I get home, my mom is there, cooking her famous vegan goulash. And by famous, I mean famous for being the worst-tasting, most horrible-smelling meal ever created.

  "Silas, I made your favorite," my mom says as she sees me walk by. She's being sarcastic.

  "Can't wait to eat it," I say as I run up the stairs.

  "I made extra just for you," I hear her yell, then laugh to herself.

  As soon as I'm in my room, I call Willow. "Hey. What are you doing?"

  "Reading. Why? What's up?"

  "I just got home. I need to clean up. But after that, I need to get out of here. My mom's cooking goulash."

  "Oh, God. Sorry." Willow has experienced the goulash. Both the taste and the smell.

  "Let's go out to eat. I'll come by and pick you up."

  "I thought we were studying."

  "We'll do that later. For now, I have to get out of the house before I throw up from the smell. If it still stinks later, we'll have to study somewhere else. I'll be there in twenty minutes."

  "I didn't say yes."

  "Willow, seriously? You're not going to help a friend out in his time of need? This is goulash we're talking about. Goulash!"

  She laughs. "Okay. I'll be ready. See you soon."

  When I get to her house, she's waiting for me on the front steps, wearing a short red-and-black plaid skirt and a tiny white t-shirt. Holy shit, she looks hot. It's going to be tough to keep my hands off her. She stands up and looks even hotter, showing off her tan legs which lead to a pair of bright white sneakers.

  "Like the outfit?" she asks as she climbs in my truck. I was going to help her get in but she was too fast. But I got a glimpse of her black string bikinis when she lifted her leg up into the truck.

  "The outfit is..." I eye her. "Definitely something you should wear again. But just for me. No one else." I shut her door and go around to the other side.<
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  "You can't restrict what I wear," she says as I yank my seatbelt on. "We're not dating. And even if we were, I wouldn't let you tell me what to wear." I notice she's wearing the bracelet I made her. I love that she wears it every day.

  "Then the same goes for me." I pull out of the driveway.

  "I doubt you'll be wearing this."

  "Yeah, you're funny. What I meant is that maybe I'll just start walking around shirtless. You seemed to like it, which means other girls will too."

  "Are you saying you're looking for a girlfriend?"

  "Do you think I should?"

  I see her tense up. "You're single. You can do what you want."

  "It wouldn't bother you?"

  "Why would it bother me?"

  "Because you love me." I flash her a Silas smile.

  "I don't—" She sighs in annoyance. She can't say she doesn't love me because the truth is she does love me. She may not see a future with me, but she still loves me. "If you love me you shouldn't be dating other girls."

  "I don't have much of a choice when the girl I love refuses to date me, now or in the future."

  "I'm on a date with you right now!" she yells, then scowls for doing so, like she's mad at herself.

  Willow can turn from hot to cold in seconds and I love that about her. She's always surprising me. I never know how she's going to react. When I picked her up at her dorm, she was more even-keeled, trying to hide any and all emotion. But after just a few hours with me, she was back to the Willow I know, with her outbursts that come out of nowhere. It's funny how I bring that out in her, even after all this time.

  As we're sitting at a stoplight, I say, "So if this is a date, then can I call you my girlfriend?"

  "No," she blurts out.

  "Why not?"

  She crosses her arms. "Because it's inappropriate. We're friends. That's it."

  "Friends who go on dates. And kiss. And wear sexy outfits upon request." I chuckle. "That's my kind of friend."

  Her lips turn up just slightly. "Fine. Call me your girlfriend. For one night. That's it."

  "If I'm calling you my girlfriend, then I'm going to treat you like my girlfriend." I reach over and put my hand on her exposed thigh. "And just so you know, I'm very affectionate with my girlfriends."

  Her leg twitched when I touched it, but then relaxed. Now she's breathing fast, but trying to hide it by looking out the side window. She hasn't removed my hand from her leg so I leave it there as I drive.

  So Willow is my girlfriend for the night. This should be fun.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Willow

  "You smell like goulash," I say as we wait in line to be seated at our favorite Chinese restaurant in downtown Berkeley.

  Silas lifts his t-shirt to his nose. "I do not smell like freaking goulash."

  "You do." He doesn't, but I needed an excuse to get closer to him. "Come here." He leans down and I sniff his neck, inhaling the clean fresh scent of his cologne mixed with the scent that is uniquely Silas. God, I love that smell. I could live in that smell.

  "So? Do you smell it?"

  I lift my head up to look at him. "No. I guess I was wrong."

  "You're nuts." His arms go around me and he squeezes me into his chest, where I get another whiff of that intoxicating scent. He keeps me held against him as we wait in line.

  "Two for Sparks," he says to the hostess.

  "It'll be about ten minutes," I hear her say.

  "Ten minutes," he says to me, then kisses the top of my head. "Hmm...what could we do in ten minutes?"

  I laugh, my head shooting up from against his chest. "We are not doing that. Absolutely not."

  I'm referring to the one and only time we had sex outside in a public place. Okay, not the only time, but the one and only time we did it while waiting for a table. We were at an Italian place and it was late and dark outside and we had a ten-minute wait to be seated, so we snuck out to the alley and did it against the building. It was completely inappropriate but also really hot, in a way that still gets me aroused when I think about it.

  Silas whispers by my ear. "We could go behind the building. No one would see us. And this skirt you're wearing is perfect for—"

  "No," I say, sounding breathless. I push him back and smooth my skirt. "Let's just wait for the table."

  He smiles and spins me around, hugging my back to his chest. I always loved it when he held me like this. His arms wrapped around me in a protective hold, letting the world know I was his.

  "You hungry?" he asks.

  "Starving." I tilt my head back on his chest.

  "Me too." He kisses my forehead.

  I shouldn't let him take me out for dinner like this. I'm sure he has little to no money. My dad can't afford to pay his workers very much. Instead he gives them bonuses throughout the year. But Silas just started so he hasn't received a bonus. And he didn't get paid for his volunteer work the past couple years, other than getting free room and board.

  We're seated a few minutes later and order our favorite dishes; beef and broccoli for me and Kung Pao chicken for him. Sitting here having dinner, talking and laughing, it feels like we're boyfriend and girlfriend again. I know it's wrong to pretend that we are, knowing we don't have a future together, but I can't seem to stop myself. When I'm with Silas, I want to be with him, as in be his girlfriend. Hold his hand. Hug him. Kiss him.

  Two years ago, I told myself it was over and that Silas and I would never be together again. I didn't even think I'd see him again. And now? All I can think about is how much I want to be with him. Even today, when I was home and he was working on the farm, I missed him and wanted to go see him.

  "Do you think it's safe to go back to your house?" I kid, as Silas pulls out of the parking lot. We just finished dinner and are leaving the restaurant.

  "I don't want to risk it. Why don't we find a coffee shop instead?"

  "Okay." I laugh. "Maybe the goulash was your mom's way of making us go out tonight. I think she wants us to get back together."

  "Did she tell you that?"

  "No, but she acts like she does. Did my parents say anything to you? About us getting back together?"

  "No. Well, I guess your dad did. He basically told me I had no chance with you."

  "He did?" I'm a little shocked by that, given how much my dad likes Silas. "Did he say why?"

  "He said your mind is set on what you want for your future, implying that your future doesn't include me."

  I keep quiet because I don't know what to say. It's true. The life I have planned for myself is not the life Silas wants, so he can't be part of it. It's as simple as that, and yet it hurts my heart to admit that, even to myself.

  "Your dad's right," he says. "If you decide you're going to do something, you do it, even if it's not really what you want to do. You're very stubborn."

  I jab his arm. "I am not stubborn."

  "You're one of the most stubborn people I've ever met. You're also obsessive. Compulsive. Unpredictable. And have a bad temper." He puts his hand on my leg and smiles. "And yet I still love you."

  "I am not any of those things. You make me sound like a crazy person."

  He parks in front of the coffee shop, turns the truck off, unhooks his seatbelt, and looks at me. "You searched every square inch of your dorm room three times before we left Camsburg. Everything was packed, and yet you still had to search your entire room three times."

  "Because I didn't want to leave anything behind. That's not being obsessive."

  "You labeled each and every box with the contents. Instead of just writing 'desk stuff' you listed every single item that was in the box. In alphabetical order. That's obsessive."

  I huff. "You have flaws too, you know."

  He smiles. "So what are they?"

  I knew he'd ask that. Now I have to think of some. "You squeeze the toothpaste from the middle."

  "And why is that a problem?"

  "Are you kidding? Silas, everyone knows you squeeze from the bottom
and work your way up."

  "There aren't any rules to squeezing toothpaste."

  "Of course there are. If there weren't, everyone would be tossing out half empty tubes and that's just wasteful."

  "What else do I do?" He's watching me, smiling.

  "You rip the sheets off the bed when you sleep. Specifically, the fitted sheet, which doesn't make sense because it has rounded corners and elastic to keep it held to the mattress."

  "I move around a lot at night."

  "And rip the sheets off?"

  "How do you know I do this?"

  "Because I've seen your bed when I've come over in the morning. It's a disaster. I can't even look at it. I just want to put it back together." I bite my lip, feeling anxious just thinking about his disaster of a bed. "The strange thing is, the night I slept over you didn't do it. We woke up and the sheets were still in place."

  That was the night both our parents went out of town for an organic foods expo. They assumed Silas and I were having sex so they didn't feel the need to stay home and keep watch over us.

  "Then I guess the only way to fix that problem is to have you in my bed."

  "That's not what I—" I'm interrupted by a kiss.

  He undoes my seatbelt. "Let's go inside."

  We spend the next hour at the coffee shop, going over his accounting homework. It's an introductory class and way easier than the one I had at Camsburg. My classes there are even harder than I thought they'd be, but it's good. I find I learn more when I'm being challenged.

  After the coffee shop, I assumed we'd go home but instead he drives the opposite direction.

  "Where are we going?"

  "Someplace quiet."

  He turns down a small dirt road. "The farm?"

  "Yeah. We can look at the stars."

  It's something we always used to do together. We'd lay out on a sleeping bag in the back yard. When we were dating, we'd take the sleeping bag to the beach or the park. We did more making out than stargazing. And one of those nights, we had sex. It was my first time. We didn't plan it. It just happened.

  "Aren't you tired of being here?" I ask. "You spent all day here."

  "I like it at night." He stops and parks at the edge of the field. Then he jumps out, grabs a sleeping bag from behind his seat, and lays it in the truck bed. I meet him back there and he helps me into the truck. Then we lie there, looking up at the bright stars lighting up the dark sky.